When Hell Freeza's Over
by mg56
Summary: Hell is no place for anyone, especially if they are still alive. Hence Brick is very keen to escape. FINISHED!
1. Welcome to Hell, Please Drive Carefully

Okay, thanks for coming, especially if you're new. Just a quick note to say that 1) I can explain everything, 2) I do not own any of the characters in this story, and 3) to thank my brother mg34 for helping me write this. Right, let's get on with it.

* * *

**1. Welcome to Hell, Please Drive Carefully**

What exactly is Hell? It's an interesting question to which the answer really depends on what context. Or, more accurately, it's a really boring question to which the answer really depends on the context.

For example, if your American, Hell is a swear word, while as if your British (like yours truly,) it usually follows one. But that's not the right context. I'm asking what is Hell, as a place?

There are various recornised authorities on the subject. Let's start with religion. If you were to ask the Archbishop of Canterbury, he'd probably tell you that there is no such place as Hell. Or heaven for that matter. Or God, but that they are all merely metaphors for how we should just try and be nice to each other for a change. This was of course a bad place to start, because the Archbishop of Canterbury is not religious.

So, quietly ignoring the Church of England, let's try the Roman Catholic Church. Here we should, and do, get a typically blunt and unforgiving image. Hell is a place where sinners and non-believers will go to burnt in eternal torment, forever separated from the glory of God.

Cheerful subject isn't it.

Islam's version of Hell is (whisper the next bit very quietly,) almost exactly the same. In fact it is probably were we get most of our ideas for Hell in popular culture, coming complete with seeing heat and different levels depending on the magnitude of one's sins.

Judisum's description is more vague then these (or I am the worlds worst researcher, you decide,) but the basis is the same; damnation for sinners.

Hinduism is also slightly vague in places, it being based on the basis of reincarnation. However, in between dying and being reborn, there does appear to be time to pop into hell for a round of punishments for sins committed in life.

Of course, there are many more religions with many more versions of Hell, but it is surprisingly difficult to pin down a universally held description from one religion, let alone all of them. Everyone in a certain religion will have a slightly different view on Hell and what you need to do to get there, so across a religion the deviation will be massive. Hence the above suggestions probably do these religions a disservice.

Okay, can the lynch mob now leave? Thanks.

Right, let's leave that mine field and look at Western Culture's view of Hell, which we should all know: a fiery cavern full of red rocks, and innumerable ways of hurting people for the entertainment of the Devil, who of course rules. It's a wonder full image. What a shame it's so badly wrong.

I mean think about it; Hell is supposed to be the worse place in the universe, and how many of you would rather be too hot then too cold? The South Pole seems a lot worse to me anyway. And eventually in this suggested version of Hell, I'm sure you could come to tolerate it. I mean, the occasional jets of flame are quite exciting, the different methods of torture would at least give you something to do for eternity, and even if the devil was the evilest ruler ever to exist, at least he'd be efficient, and wouldn't spend all his time trying not to answer the question he'd just been asked.

No, for a true idea of what Hell is like, we need a much, much worse place.

Okay, let's try some imagination. Picture, in your mind, the most boring place you know – not the worst, the most boring. Miles and miles of featureless, identical concrete buildings, no greenery in site, that sort of thing. Now, make it colder, the air temperature is just above freezing (as frost and snow are far too interesting for hell.) Got it? Okay, now fill it with lots of people who you don't know, all walking in various directions with there hand's in there pockets and looking thoroughly miserable. And no one's talking to anyone else. Okay… let's add some rain; and nothing exciting here please, just a persistent drizzle that never seems to stop. Okay, all that's need now is gridlocked traffic on all the roads, an off putting stench and perhaps the occasional light gust of icy wind.

Hold that image for a moment. Then make it slightly worse.

Welcome to Hell. A place where normal life goes on for ever, with everything that is slightly amusing removed. All the comedians are rubbish. Everything on television you've seen before, and you didn't enjoy it the first time. The only sport is Snooker, and the balls are only one centimetre smaller then the openings to the pockets. All the food tastes like chicken and is overpriced. The only cars are "Euro-boxes" with 1.1 litre engines. Lipstick tastes like cow dung, the showers only spew cold water and all the rooms are damp. But most of all, life in Hell is just one small defeat after another, until they eventually mount up into crushing blows.

So, now we've got that sorted, let's have a look at the life of an average citizen of Hell. Take one Brick Jojo. Okay, so he's not exactly average, partly because he's a super human, but mostly because Brick is still alive. Or more to the point, he is alive once more, but that's another story.

The point is Brick had not been in Hell before he got his life back, and now he was. Also, to complicate things, he'd gone in (well, been dragged in by some demon's who'd abandoned him in the hell hole to return to there own dimension, as they aren't stupid enough to live in Hell,) through a back door, so had missed the usually judgement procedure, and therefore the opportunity to point out that he wasn't dead.

Once in Hell he'd told just about anyone how would listen that he was alive, and shouldn't be there. No one had been very helpful; the responses had varied from ignoring him to punching him in the face. The latter move had generally ended in Brick getting to beat someone up, which suited him fine. It was just about the only thing he could do to take his mind off things.

The last person he'd told had been the worst. "Why don't you go to the Public Records Library and find you file," they'd said, "then you can prove it."

At the time, Brick had thought he was being helpful. Now he was certain that the man was had been crueller then everyone else he'd met. For a start, once in the Public Records Library, he'd found that the place was run, like the rest of hell, by a group of ogre like beings, that had an unhealthy obsession with order, rules, procedure and doing everything by the book. This of course makes them the worst people for organising anything. (An example of this sort of behaviour on earth can be found in your local government offices.)

Hence, the files detailing the deeds, life status and vital statistics of all the beings in hell were stored in section 8722389203477182341b. Of course the files could also be accessed on computer, be anyone with a computer science degree and who was fast enough to escape when the delinquent machine decided to explode.

Section 8722389203477182341b was a three day hike away from the entrance past line after line of identical shelves, bookcases and the occasional enraged yeti. By the time anyone reached it they would need to start off back again for food and water which was predictably forbidden in the library. After going for this palaver twice, Brick started smuggling food in, which invariably went rotten in a couple of days anyway.

The second problem with section8722389203477182341b was that it contained files on everyone in Hell, not just from earth, but also from the rest of the universe. So it was the size of a small country. Fortunately, for connivance, all the files had been arranged in alphabetical order. Unfortunately, this had been done by someone who had clearly never heard of the convention of ordering people by their surnames and of the alphabet, or had at least decided that having "A" at the start was a silly idea, since that position clearly belonged rightfully to "N."

Brick eventually found "BRI" and had spent the last day flicking wandering along the miles and miles of shelves, looking desperately for his file. He'd ran out of supplies and his hands were worn thin by the endless pulling out of files to see who they belonged to (the names were written on the files in the most awkward place possible, so the only way to see the name was to pull out the file in such a way that all the paper in it would fall out.)

But Brick was determined not to be beaten by a library, not if it was his only way out of Hell. And suddenly, his persistence paid off. There it was, sitting innocuously on the shelf, a bland brown slightly damaged file with the name _Brick Jojo _neatly written on it. For one moment, he couldn't believe it was true: his search was at an end. Excitedly, he yanked it out, causing the predictably unoriginal papers inside it to fall out. This time however Brick was too cheerful to be petered by this, and started gathering the papers up off the floor, when he noticed something written on one of them. He scooped it up and checked it again, but the words didn't change, and there was no clarification that made it make sense. And Brick was fairly certain that he had never unknowingly ruled the world.

Further analysis of the file revealed more inaccuracies. Sure, they were all things that he might have considered doing, but he hadn't actually. Annoyed, Brick glanced back at the shelf to see if something had gone wrong. It had. Very badly. For there was another file sitting blandly on the shelf, with his name.

About half an hour latter, Brick had discovered that there were at least two hundred such files. They all started the same, with his creation and trying to destroy the Puffs, and then tailed off wildly, declaring him as a rapist, child abandoning, pure evil selfish chain smoking looser and a great hero, brilliant farther and the worlds greatest lover. Normally, Brick wouldn't have minded reading all this, the lack of any consistency in the files, or an accurate record of his life, was extremely frustrating. Well that's a slight understatement. In fact, Bricks screams could be heard fifteen light-years away (i.e. the other side of the library.)

"OI!" shouted an ogre sticking his head round the corner of the aisle, "be quite or I'll have to throw you out!"

"Hey, wait!" said Brick, staggering after him with one of the files, "I need to ask you a question!"

"Go to the information desk," the ogre replied curtly.

"It's just a quick question," Brick said sweetly, "please?"

Politeness gets you no where in Hell (well nothing gets you far in Hell.) "It's not my job to answer questions," the ogre spat.

There was another reason other then there organisational obsessions that made the ogre's perfect for running Hell. It was that they were bigger and stronger then almost all the beings in the universe so would be able to defend themselves from most of the more violent citizens of Hell.

Hence the ogre was suitably surprised when having turned his back on the short angry little pipsqueak, he found himself elbowed in the back and sent crunching to the ground with surprising force. Brick landed sitting on his back and pinned him to the ground.

"Maybe it's time you started to expand your repertoire!" Brick said, grabbing the ogre by the horns and pulling his head back as far as it would go. "I'm sure you're a great lose to the world of customer services."

The ogre struggled but it was pointless. "I'm not … supposed … to … answer … questions," he stuttered between attempts to brake free. "It's… not… allowed!"

"It's a very short question," Brick said, and then smashed the beast's face against the floor a couple of times.

"STOP! STOP!" screamed the ogre, "YOUR DAMAGING THE FLOOR!"

"All the more reason to answer my question." Brick still hadn't dropped the "sweetness and light" tone of voice as he brutally assaulted his target.

"OKAY, OKAY" the ogre eventually conceded, "I'll answer one question."

"Wonderful," Brick smiled, before dropping his tone menacingly. "Why are there hundreds of files with my name on it, none of which bear any resemblance to my life?"

"AAGAH! (Brick pulled back on his head again.) They refer to your activities in alternative universes; we keep them so that we can have a bigger library, which makes us appear more important!"

"So how am I supposed to tell which file is referring to me, in this universe?" Brick demanded, ignoring the lameness of the reason for the extra files.

"Hey, I said one quest…" WAMM! "Alright! It's the one with the purple label on the side, just over there!"

"Really?" Brick reached over and picked it up, before giving the details a quick check. "Perfect, thank you so much, you've been of great assistance," he lied. The ogre grunted and started to stand up, before Brick kicked him hard in the head, sending the hapless creature hurtling into a stack of shelves. Being In Hell, the badly constructed cases promptly collapsed.

"Help, I'm stuck!" wailed the ogre.

"Good," Brick laughed, "you'll have plenty of time to learn to be a better host. It will be an important lesson." And he strolled off, whistling to himself, as the ogre reflected that next time, he would have to be a lot meaner.

* * *

Brick didn't have to spend too long leaving the library, because some ogre's dragged him most of the way before throwing him out fro whistling. But he'd still got the file, so his mood was fairly chipper.

This didn't last long however. As he walked along the side of the road, his mood deteriorated, simply because Hell is such an awful place to be, that not even the thought of being able to leave it can cheer you up for long. Besides, he didn't even know who he needed to show his file too to get let out.

Walking along the side of an inner city road in hell is not the best place to think these things through. Sure, Brick could have flied, but the thick layer of smog above the city made this a vile experience, and impossible to navigate.

He also could have driven, but the road network in Hell appeared to have been designed by a three year old, or a council official, thus making it the third worst road network in world (beaten by Sao Paulo and Oxford.) So Brick plodded past the lines of gridlocked Larda's, Kia's and pre 1990's Renaults, watching out for muggers, unexpectedly deep puddles and the world in general, all the while trying to think of a where he had to go to get out of here.

Presently, he came across two aliens, walking in the opposite direction. This wasn't unusual; pretty much every species in the universe was lumped together in Hell, mainly to make everyone feel uncomfortable.

One of the creatures was about his height, and had bright white smooth skin with purple patches on his elbows, shoulders, the top of his head and the centre of his chest. He was of slim, yet relatively muscular build, and as well as having a long tail (that was white like the rest of him,) he had almost hand-like feet, with three long thin toes.

His companion was a lot taller – about twice Bricks height – but some of that was taken up by the almost bishop's hat turned sideways like top of his head. He was also a lot more physically imposing, with a traditionally perfect build, and two big featherless black wings retracted on his back. His "skin" seemed to be a pale grey, and he seemed to be wearing a mixture of green and black clothes with black shoes, although on closure inspection they turned out to be part of his body.

The two of them where defiantly a pair that any normal person would stay clear of, especially since they were having a rather heated discussion about who's turn it had been to fill the car up with petrol that morning. But brick had learnt that most of these aliens despite appearances, where not much more of a challenge then the average human. So, considering his mood, he had no hesitation in walking straight between the two of them, and giving them a firm push either way. The shorter one, surprised, staggered back into a wall, while the taller one fell into one of those deceptively deep puddles. Brick did this quite often, and allowed himself a brief smile, before walking on.

His victims didn't usually come after him, but this time they did. In fact Brick was slightly surprised by the speed at which they caught up. "Err, excuse me," the taller one declared in a smooth, yet irritated voice, "yes, you!"

Brick turned round to face them, he wasn't one to run from any fight. "Yes?" he inquired threateningly. The two aliens were standing right behind him, arms folded, looking (concerningly) unimpressed.

"I believe you just tried to push me and my associate around," the taller one said, "are you a mo…

"Hey, you can use my name!" whined the shorted one, "he must have heard of me."

"Your fame is not as universally apparent as you seem to think Freeza," the taller one snapped, annoyed about being interrupted, "he won't he impressed."

"Oh, and I'm sure he'll be a lot more impressed by Cell, the perfect android who couldn't even win his own fighting tournament, despite the fact that he cheated in it!" the one called Freeza sulked in that whinny way, that Brick assumed was his regular voice. "At least I had an empire for a few decades, and successfully committed mass slaughter."

"Hey, I slaughtered more people then you per day alive!" Cell snorted; the two of them now apparently unaware of Bricks presence.

Perhaps the conversation should have tipped him off, but Brick failed to notice that he wasn't dealing with ordinary citizens of the afterlife. Well not until it was too late, i.e. after he'd declared; "You two Jokers have wasted enough of my time," and punched Cell in the face.

It was like punching a concrete block, except Brick had never had any trouble with concrete blocks. Anyway, the point is that the Red Ruff staggered a few steps back on the rebound, clutching his hand, with a couple of broken fingers. Cell, completely unphased, looked round slowly.

"Freeza," he said slowly in an intimidating tone, "did he just punch me?"

"What makes you think that," asked Freeza calmly.

"It's just I felt a slight tingling sensation in my face, and now this… I'm sorry; I never caught your name."

"Brick," the Ruff replied as he tried to massage feeling back into his hand – his brain not quite processing that running might be a good idea.

"Thank you; this Brick, was hopping away as if he'd broken his hand. Coincidence?"

"I'm not sure," Freeza responded quizzically, taking a step towards Brick. "I mean, THIS is a punch!"

Freeza's fist sunk deep into Brick's gut, it was like being hit by a fighter jet in the stomach (if anyone knows what that feels like, do say.) Whatever, it wasn't like any punch Brick had taken before - this one hurt! Badly. It knocked more then the wind out of him, it took his breakfast and some blood and bile too. As he staggered around in a small circle, gasping for air, Freeza spoke to Cell as if he'd just been for a short walk.

"Was it anything like that," the self proclaimed former emperor asked. Cell cocked his head to one side.

"Not really," he mused mockingly, "You see it was a blow to the head, like THIS!"

Perhaps Brick should have seen it coming, but if he had, there was no way in his wildest dreams that he'd have been able to block or dodge it. And if he thought Freeza's punch had been out of this world (or at least his series,) then Cell's was on another level entirely. Brick's brain was still rattling against his skull _when _he hit the wall on the other side of the road. Having already gone through two moving vehicles one his way, he then crashed through the wall and a inconveniently placed vase factory, before landing in an even more inconveniently place pile of disused umbrellas (quite why is unknown.)

Cell and Freeza flew over, (an ability that would have surprised Brick had he been able to think in anything resembling a straight line,) and landed around him.

"You know what," mused Cell, "I think he did punch me you know, even if it was worthless."

"Oh dear," Freeza murmured with fake sympathy, "you know what this means, don't you."

Brick winced, and prepared for the worst.

"He's guilt of assaulting a police officer," Cell declared firmly, whipping the badge from his pocket, "Freeza, throw the book at him."

Thus, the last thing Brick remembered for a good deal of time, was the sight of the all too predictable leather bound volume hurtling towards his head.

* * *

Okay, I hope that wasn't too random and confusing or insulting. I will be discussing Brick's past in detail next chapter. Also, anyone wondering about Cell and Freeza might be interested (or bored) to know that they are related to the "Z" at the end of the title of the PPG amine spin off. Anyway, reviews, and criticism would be appreciated. Thanks for reading! 


	2. Brick's File

Hi, thanks you to all of you who have returned to this story, and the two who reviewed it. One note I would like to make before we start is that there was a comment the spelling of **Freeza, **or **Frieza**. I have done a bit of research on this, and they both appear to have been used at various times in various situations, so I'm going to stick with **Freeza **for no more complex a reason then that it's easier to type. Okay?

**2. Brick's File**

Brick woke up sometime latter, his only company being a thumping headache. Dizzily, he glanced around his surroundings. Okay, he thought, let's see, what happened?

Brick remembered something about a file and the library, but he was sure that bit had gone off fine. So what had he done next? By the feel of his head, he'd gone on a massive bender that had mainly consisted of drinking varnish.

By now his eye site was returning to, and the prison cell slowly loomed into view. Now Brick was sure that it had been a bender, or as sure as he head would allow him to be of anything. For now, he tried to stand up. The bars at the front of the cell didn't look very tough, so he was sure that he could brake out of here easily enough. All he had to do was stand up, stroll over there, and give them a pull.

He fell down of the first of these, depressingly literately, smacking his head on the ground. This hurt a lot, and as he reached up to his face, Brick began to feel all the bruising on his face. So he'd been in a fight had he? That would explain a lot of the pain.

"If this is what I look like I'd hate to see the other guy," he chuckled. Then he remembered.

Brick groaned, and rolled on to his back. He'd had the shit completely kicked out of him, and it sure felt like it. How was that possible? He was fairly sure he was/or had been one of the strongest people on earth, yet he'd had about as much affect on Cell and Freeza as a beetle attacking two dogs. Two very quick dogs. And he'd lost the file too.

Brick reflected on the disaster that had befallen him for a while, allowing himself to begin the recovery process. Ruffs are quick healers, so it wasn't long until Brick was feeling a lot better. So now what?

A couple of thoughts occurred to him. Firstly, Cell and Freeza hadn't seen him fly or use his powers in any way, so they probably didn't know he had any. Therefore, they would probably be expecting him to be unconscious in his cell for at least… well, Brick didn't know how long it had been, but he was sure that they'd expect it to take longer. So therefore, if he just broke out and slipped away quietly, they'd never notice.

"Besides," he muttered, his confidence returning, "I'm sure that if we did have to fight again I could take them. I was just caught off guard yesterday!" To this end, he started studying the cell that held him.

It was pretty basic, and very unpleasant, as you would expect from a prison in Hell. The walls were so damp you could drown in them. The ceiling dripped with mould, and the entire place was festooned with the smell of rotting fish. There was a bed, but it mainly consisted of a plank of wood with splinters sticking from it, and a moth-eaten blanket. The front of the cell was very old fashioned, instead of being a wall with a door in it, it was a row of bars with a gate.

Brick found his feet and wondered over. He inspected the bars carefully. The third one from the left looked a bit wonky, so Brick gave it a precautionary tap. The bar sat there for a moment, and then decided to fall out, clattering to the ground in a slightly anti-climatic manner.

Brick stared at it in disbelief for a moment, and then at the gap in front of him. If he could just squeeze through… there! Right, now to run like shit…

* * *

It didn't take him long to find the stairs out of the prison; they were just at the end of the corridor. Normally the easy of his escape would have made Brick suspicious, but since all the other cell's he'd passed seemed to be even less suited for incarcerating a criminal then the one that he had just broken out of – due to missing bars, open windows and the occasional escape tunnel – it didn't. Brick reached the top of the stairs, and quietly pushed open the door. The room in front of him looked almost like an office, and almost like a kitchen, as if whoever had designed the prison had run out of space, and it was either this or a toilet in the hallway. (This is a bad analogy, since in Hell everywhere only has an outhouse.)

The important thing for Brick though was that there was no guard, and other then the sound of passing traffic, the screams of the dammed and dripping water it was silent so he crept into the room, and was about to make for the exit, when he spotted something on the table/desk. Just under the toast rake, sat his file.

Brick snatched it up again and checked it really was it, before silently thanking his luck, and making a move for the door. Then he stopped. Well, he was hungry, and it could be a long walk home, so he grabbed a slice of toast.

WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOP!!!

Brick swung round to see Cell and Freeza standing in the door way behind him, the latter holding a siren. "They always go for the toast," he sneered smugly, "hand the tenner over Cell!"

Cell did, with all the good grace of someone that really hates loosing. "You complete moron, you should have left immediately!" he said to Brick.

"Why, would I have escaped?"

"No, but I'd have won the money," Cell replied sulkily. Then he composed himself. "Right! Back to the prison, and this time you're going in the cell that wasn't fixed with chewing gum!"

"Wait a minute!" Brick protested his earlier promise to fight being overridden by his self preservation instincts, "this is all some kind of terrible mistake!"

"Oh I see," said Cell thoughtfully, "so when you punched me in the face, you were actually trying to swat a bee, well that in that case you can go."

"I mean," Brick spluttered hurriedly as Cell advanced, "that I shouldn't be in Hell! I'm alive."

"What?" said Freeza, who had been busy filing his money among the moths in his wallet. "No seriously, what? I wasn't listening."

"He claims to be alive," said Cell flatly, having stopped.

"It'll be in my file." Brick held it out to Cell, who took it smartly from him, and glanced at the cover.

"I… can't be bothered," he sniffed, throwing it behind him and advancing on Brick once again, who was now pushed up against the wall. But Freeza caught the file.

"Hey, hey, don't be so hasty, I love reading these things. It gives me a chance to feel all superior again at my own life achievements." Cell groaned.

"Very well, but your on the night shift tonight. Take a seat you red-eyed freak."

"Look whose talking," muttered Brick, but he did sat on the rickety wooden chair, which promptly collapsed.

"OH NO!" Freeza declared rather too quickly, "he's broken Police property! We'll have to make him pay for that."

"Freeza, I know you broke that chair! I watched you try to put it back together again."

"No you didn't," Freeza protested, as Brick picked himself up angrily and Cell sat down, "because THAT was the one I broke."

Cell, as you might have guessed, was now sitting on the floor looking very undignified. He considered things for a moment, before smashing Freeza in the knee with one of the broken chair legs, taking the file off the hoping former Emperor and grabbing another chair. "Okay, let's get this over with," he said opening the file. "Name: Brick Jojo. Age: 34. Humm… according to this you died seventeen odd years ago."

"Yes, but I'm alive again!" Brick tried to hide the tone of desperation in his voice, "it's rather complicated but it's true!"

Cell looked doubtful, but he kept on reading. "Religion: None, oh, that's not good."

"No?"

"No," said Cell. "I've found that it's always better to hedge your bets and believe in something. I mean, if the atheists are right, they won't be able to gloat, will they."

"When did you work that out?" asked Brick suspiciously.

"About ten seconds after I'd died," Cell replied bluntly. "Maybe I should have lied at the check in point, that would have fooled them."

"I think you've missed the point a bit here…" Brick began."

"Nah," said Freeza, "he's right, you've got to have some plan to avoid death. Mine was to use seven magic balls that granted wishes to make my self immortal," he declared proudly.

"Really," Brick was keen to drive the conversation off the subject of him for a bit, "how did that go?"

Freeza gaped. "How did it go? HOW THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK!? Oh, it was going fine… RIGHT UP TO THE POINT THAT I GOT KILLED!! Honestly! If it had worked, why would I be in this dump?"

"I don't know…" Brick started.

"I do!" Cell interrupted triumphantly, "it's because he's alive, so he thinks that alive people can stay in Hell. So let's say your right, and throw you back into jail!"

"Wait!" Brick almost begged (he was ashamed of himself inside) "Please, I really shouldn't be here!"

Cell looked at Freeza. "What did you do to the last person that said "please" to you," he asked, "because I seem to remember I tried to kill him."

"HA!" said Freeza smugly, "I killed his best friend. And then he killed me. It was one of those days."

"How did you two end up as Hell's police force anyway," Brick snorted, his confidence returning. "I mean, you two are the evilest beings I've met down here!"

"Why thank you!" Freeza said. "No, it's quite simply really; it's our one Billion hours of community service."

"Community Service?"

"Yes," continued Freeza, "we tried to escape from Hell so many times that they decided that we might as well be useful while we weren't trying to get out, so they made us do this."

"And it's supposed to be a punishment?" Brick spluttered, "I mean, what's so bad about this?"

As if on cue, a rock with a burning oily rage was chucked through the window of the room and landed in the middle, spreading smoke and such everywhere. "Burn in Hell!" shouted the person who'd thrown it, before running way.

"That for one thing," grumbled Freeza, as he stamped out the fire, "we're less popular then Westlife in here. And the other reason is we have a "hero liaison" officer."

"A what?"

"It's basically some really, really powerful good guy from heaven who pops down here once a week or so, and makes sure we're doing our job properly, and bawls us out if we don't."

"I wish that wasn't quite so literal," muttered Cell, how had been quietly reading Brick's file. Having reached a dead end, Brick tried another tack.

"Hey, if you two want to escape from here, why don't you help me? I mean, maybe I could help you two get out?"

"Ha!" laughed Freeza, "you'd only slow us down, and if I want to try and escape again I want to have failed in time for "Neighbours." Besides, if me and Cell were into helping people, do you think we'd be in Hell?"

"Well in that case," Brick started, "I should be in Heaven because…"

"I'm going to stop you there," Cell interrupted, "as I think your file should answer that demand." He cleared his throat. "Ahem. You were created by an evil Monkey for the purpose of destroying three innocent little girls."

"Yes, but that's hardly my fault…"

"You have committed 3,567 robberies…"

"Oh come on I was a kid, I didn't know any better…"

"2,834 where committed above the age of social responsibility, 500 involving grievous bodily harm."

"Err…"

"15 driving offences."

"Do they count?"

"17 one night stands"

"And?"

"One serious fraud."

"That was a valid investment plan!"

"And one murder."

"Now that's simply not true," Brick declared firmly. "I through a rock at someone trying to kill them, and they ducked and it killed someone else, so that's man slaughter! HA!"

"Well, picky points aside, you seem to me to have the perfect profile of a citizen of Hell." Cell sat there for a moment, inviting Brick to protest. The Red Ruff sat there for a moment. Slightly dumb founded.

"I…"

"Why do you want to get out of Hell so badly anyway?" asked Freeza incredulously. "I mean from what it sounds like, your nothing more then a two bit crook, what have you got out there that's worth boring us about."

Brick looked at his feet. "A girl," he muttered.

"Oh, sex," mused Freeza. "You can still do it down here you know, it's just a bit more painful, and not as fun, when they've…"

"It's more then that," Brick began, and then there was a bang. It was the sound of Cell bashing his head against the table, which promptly broke and landed on his foot.

"Let me guess," he snorted, once he'd pulled the resulting splinter out of his foot, "you are in love with the girl you were created to destroy, and she's in love with you, and even though you've been gone for years you're the one she still truly loves and she's waiting on earth for you and it's enough to make me puke!"

Brick blinked. "Err… yeah, how did you know?"

"I'm the perfect being," Cell sniffed pompously; "I know humans… and fan fiction."

"I assume you never had someone who loved you," Brick said smoothly, hoping to irritate Cell. He didn't.

"Nope," Cell replied almost proudly, "I'm asexual, so I don't need sex or love."

"I'm not," Freeza interrupted quickly, "but I'm a bit short on action right now, so what was she like?"

"Oh she was – is – simple wonderful. Beautiful pink eyes, long flowing hair, and she understood me in a way no one else did – or could. She brought out the best in me, made my life worth living…"

"Doesn't sound like my sort of girl," Freeza muttered.

"She had a killer body and could go like a train too," Brick smiled.

"What, you mean she was uncomfortable, rickety and always twenty minutes late?" interrupted Cell, who was irritated at being cut out.

"Shut up," screamed Freeza, "I was building a mental image!"

"Oh come on Freeza, your not even the same species," retorted Cell, to which Freeza responded with a rather predictable joke about the Welsh. Brick took advantage of this distraction to glance at the papers strewn across the kitchen table, hoping for anything that might provide him with a way out. And he spotted one.

"And she could beat the crap out of you two," he declared. Cell and Freeza stopped bickering with each other and then turned to look at him. Then they looked at each other. Then they laughed. Briefly.

Cell stopped. "Err, is she stronger then you?" he asked.

Brick paused. Probably, but his ego prevented that answer. "No." And the laughter started again.

This went on for about ten minutes. Then Cell wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh mercy. Well that was funny, but it's time you were going back to your…"

There was a knock on the door. Cell and Freeza jumped.

"It must be Pikkon," gasped Freeza.

"But he's not due until," Cell glanced at his watch, "oh shit!" Brick smiled, he might have delayed them for just about long enough. The two police officers jumped to their feet.

"You, back in the dungeons, now!" bellowed Freeza in the style of someone who'd given that order rather a lot in his life time. "If Pikkon finds you we're in a very deep muddy bog that will very quickly be drowning us all!"

"Okay," said Brick calmly.

"CELL, FREEZA! OPEN THIS DOOR!!" bellowed a gruff voice from outside, "I KNOW YOUR UP TO SOMETHING!"

"Quick!" hissed Cell, as Freeza grabbed Brick and went to hurl Brick down the stairs back into the jail. However, when he'd finished his lob, he found to his surprise that Brick was still holding onto his arm.

"Let go!!" yelped Freeza and he shook his hand vigorously, but Brick held on like grim death. He had a feeling that Pikkon might be able to help him.

"Oh give him here!" moaned Cell, and he grabbed Brick from the back and tried to pull him off.

Pikkon was a tall, strongly built, green skinned humanoid like creature, with forward set brow that seemed to be set in a permanent scowl. But the most notable thing about him was that he had a halo, signifying that he was a resident of Heaven. Therefore, he hated spending time in Hell, especially since he had to spend all his time there in the company of Cell and Freeza. Pikkon had spent his life saving various planets in the south quadrant of the galaxy, performing many brave and noble deeds, yet his reward was to spend his time making sure two of the most evil – and immature – beings ever didn't misbehave. So generally for the short time that he was in Hell he was in an extremely bad mood, which he took out on whatever he was around at the time. In this case, he was around the door.

Having dealt with the mouldy rotting wooden structure that had been separating him from his quarry, Pikkon inhaled breath in preparation for shouting at the two "officers," but something stopped him. Maybe it was the site of Brick hanging on like grim death (not a popular phrase in Hell) to Freeza's hand, so much so that Freeza was standing on his chest in an attempt to get him off. Cell had been vainly pulling in the other directions, and offering Freeza advice like; "Kick him under the chin!" I say had, because now all three of them were looking at Pikkon like children caught fighting over the last cookie. Pikkon appeared to reconsider his sentence.

"There has been some sort of mistake," he said firmly, and gestured to Brick. "Come with me."

Brick let go of Freeza (who landed on the remains of the door with a thud) and hurried after him. Sure, he had expected Pikkon to be more difficult to convince (being from heaven so therefore naturally suspicious of anyone from Hell) but he wasn't going to argue. "So long losers!" he hollered as he left.

"Hey!" said Cell determinedly, "you can't let him go, he punched me!"

Pikkon shoot him a terrible look. "I'll deal with you two latter." And they left.

Cell wasn't one to get let him self be put on a downer by these sorts of things – much worse had happen since his arrival – so he wondered over to the kettle and made a cup of (cold) tea.

Freeza, however, was. "That little runt!" he fumed, leaping of the door and wiping the mould of his behind. "If I see him again why it will be worse then what I'd do to Goku!"

"Really?" Cell murmured, "As I recall, the last time we saw Goku all you did was moan that he'd cancelled our overtime bonuses, because we where abusing it by not clocking off. Not that you get paid for community service."

"I know it's an outrage! Mind you, Goku was better then Pikkon."

"Yes," mussed Cell. "Shame he's alive… again."

"You know," Freeza said thoughtfully, "Pikkon seemed different today just now."

"How so?"

"I mean, normally if you'd complained about someone punching you, he would have said good, or some other witty remark."

"There always witty if there not against you, aren't they."

"Of they are you stupid Cockroach," declared Freeza, "but as I was saying, he normally doesn't knock."

"Yes, and he's not usually two minutes early, and his voice sounds a bit more like…"

"WHAT ON HELL HAPPENED TO THIS DOOR!!!?"

"That," finished Cell. He turned round. "You broke it a minute ago!" he retorted. Pikkon strode over to them furiously.

"Rubbish! That's coming out of your expenses!" snapped Pikkon, "Now, where's this weeks report!"

"Hang on," interrupted Freeza, "what happened to the prisoner?"

"What Prisoner?" asked Pikkon, clearly irritated by the nature of the questions, "what have you two been smoking?"

Cell and Freeza looked at each other, and a small smile crept across the formers face. "Nothing," he said politely. "Nothing we can't deal with. Would you like to see the report?"

* * *

Thanks for reading, if you are interested in how Cell and Freeza ended up as Hell's police officers, and enjoy a laugh, try reading mg34's (my brother) "Law and Order: HFIL Department." Otherwise, I'll try to update a bit quicker this time. Thanks. 


	3. The Deal

Okay, this chapter is slightly shorter, but I think this story is going to very short in itself. If you have any questions, please ask.

**3. The Deal**

Brick had also worked out that the being that had rescued him from the police was not Pikkon. Unfortunately for him, this revelation occurred to him at about the point he'd been hit over the back of the head with a heavy metal pole.

Once again he'd recovered fairly quickly, but this time he sat up like a bolt. The room he was now in was extremely hot. Flame shot from holes in the floor periodically, surging up between the blood red fall boards. The equally red walls were covered with allsorts of torturing machines – racks, spiked cases, electrodes, maces, CD players blaring out pop music – all of which showed the signs of resent use. The screams of the dammed echoed through the room occasionally, creating an eerie feel.

"Now this is more like it!" Brick declared confidently. "Not a damp wall panel in site!"

"You like it," crowed a familiar high pitched voice, "because I was thinking of redecorating."

"Really?" replied Brick. "No, no, you can't do that."

"I was thinking of going with something more modern," mused Him.

"You can't do that," Brick insisted.

"Why?"

"Well it's not in keeping with the house."

"Yes, but it apparently it will increase its value, and I do like the idea of having a DVD player in the kitchen."

"Now you see, when I'm looking at those sorts of things," Brick started, "I always end up thinking, "do I really need it?" then I think, "Does someone else want one that I can steel and sell to them?""

"And that's why you're in Hell my boy," Him smiled, extending the word "boy" by an unreasonable number of seconds.

"Unhuu," replied Brick slowly. "Say, why am I here."

"Oh, no reason," said Him, "I thought you might prefer my company to that of the police. You always have before."

"That still doesn't put you particularly high up the list," Brick retorted.

"AND!" Him switched effortlessly to his hateful voice, "I wanted to discus our last meeting!"

Brick tried to remember the event in question. Eventually he did. "Ah. What particular part of the meeting were you hoping to discus?"

"THE PART WHERE YOU RAKED MY FACE WITH YOUR SCYTHE MIGHT BE A GOOD START!"

"That was purely justified," Brick tried to explain.

"How?"

"You where messing with Blossom and her family, and you had my powers. So I just decided to kill two birds with one stone."

"Almost literally," Him hissed. _(For my regular readers, remember "Tangled Web." For new readers, don't worry, it isn't important.)_

"Yes, but no hard feelings," Brick asked, "right?"

"Is that what you think?" sneered Him, "because you're on my turf now, and I can do anything I want to you!" He approached Brick with a horrible evil smile on his face. The red ruff tried his best no to flinch. However, he did once Him had withdrawn a dentist's drill. This seemed to satisfy the demon. "Good," he said before throwing the drill away. "Now, let's talk deal."

* * *

Back at the HPD headquarters, Pikkon had gone, leaving Cell and Freeza to lick their wounds and consider there next move. "How are we going to work out where he's gone?" Cell mused irritated. "There is no end of irritating Shape shifters who could have pulled that off."

"I hate it when they make me look stupid!" stormed Freeza.

"Obvious that's why you are so angry all the time," Cell sniped. Freeza shot him a death stare.

"Do you want to know where the… who?"

"Brick"

"Brick has gone or not! Because I have a plan that will allow us to find him."

"Great," said Cell tiredly, "but I'm not going to hold my breath. I mean you don't exactly have a one hundred percent record on good ideas."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, wasn't it you how decided that the best way to stop any Sayains becoming stronger then you by killing all but the strongest ones?"

"You always go back to that don't you," snorted Freeza, "but no, seriously, this is a good idea. It's based off a game that I used to play with my lieutenants."

"That's not a good start," Cell mumbled. Freeza ignored him.

"What you do is that you clear your head of all thoughts and then I say a word and you say the first word or phase that comes into your head. Of course I used it as a way to test loyalty by judging there answers – and killed anyone that failed to answer "Glory to Lord Freeza" to every question – but sometimes you could learn some really interesting things buried in the person's subconscious."

"Right before you blew there head off."

"Obviously," replied Freeza, as if any other action was just plane stupid. "But you read Bricks file, so maybe his location is buried in your subconscious."

"I sincerely doubt it," Cell replied firmly, but Freeza was not to be deterred.

"Come on, let's give it a go. Okay, clear your head and let's go. Chocolate."

"This is stupid."

"You're not even trying."

"This is stupid."

"Hey, I wasn't doing it there, stop."

"This is OWW!" Cell grabbed his foot and hoped around a bit, before slipping on the mould on the floor and bashing his head on a stray cat that had wondered into the Police station, which then proceed to scratch his face. Presently, Cell recovered, and he resisted the urge to wallop Freeza. "Now," he said, "you clear your head, and I'll say words."

"Fine," said Freeza.

"Right," Cell thought for a moment. "Fish"

"Chips"

"Goku"

"Monkey"

"Cell,"

"Jerk"

"Brick"

"Demon… Demon area! See, I told you it would work!" Freeza said smugly.

"You have no proof," Cell retorted.

"Oh really, didn't it say in his file that the first time he came back to life it was thanks to one of the chief demons."

"Maybe," said Cell who hated being proved wrong. "I suppose we could take a look."

"What do you mean we?" Freeza said innocently. "This is your petty grudge, I'm staying here."

"I would be happy to go alone," Cell sniffed, "But I need you to drive the car."

"Can't you fly there," said Freeza, "or teleport yourself, or is that just in the realms of fantasy?"

"Just because you're scared of all the demons," mocked Cell.

"Your mockery has no effect on me," Freeza replied with all the nobility he didn't have, "I'm staying here."

"CLUCK CLUCKCLUCK CLUCK!"

"Fine, where's my coat!"

* * *

Things were now quite civilised between Brick and Him. They were both sat in sofas (that were the height of luxury in Hell,) with a glass each of what appeared to by red wine. Brick had taken a sniff of his and decided that he'd leave it alone. Anyway, he needed to be alert. "So what's this deal?" he asked.

"Oh it's just a simple thing to get you out of Hell," Him replied.

"Really?" said Brick enthusiastically (and instantly damaging his bargaining position), before suddenly a tone of suspicion entered his voice, "why?"

"Oh it's simple really. I need some one in the living world who I can trust, and who doesn't charge quite so much."

"What?"

"Butch and Boomers' fees are quite extortionate," simmered Him angrily "Especially since they joined the union." Then he perked up. "Still, once you're out, I can trust you to whip them back into to shape. I mean, you, the great, evil Brick, are not going to run off and become a Superhero just to please your girlfriend – and if you did you'd be much better at helping me play the system, and abusing your position then they are. Right?"

"You read me like a book," lied Brick, who was sure that any exploiting of his position was going to benefit him only. But this didn't mean he was going to let this chance slip. "So you know a way out of Hell?" he pressed.

"Of course, but more importantly, I know a way that you can use."

"Really? That's great! How?"

"Now now Brick," Him soothed in his oily way, "I can't just tell you it."

"Why not?"

"Party rules," said Him sharply.

"Pardon?"

"I'm a leading member of the BRFDP - Better Rights for Demons Party. We campaign for improved living conditions for demonic beings in Hell, and often take our case right to the chief administrator of Hell himself."

"And what happens then," asked Brick resignedly.

"He says no," Him replied flatly, "but that doesn't mean I can break Party policy, and one such policy is that we can't help a mortal, like you, without making some sort of hideous, unacceptable deal, that only the most evil, heartless, or desperate person would accept. But because we are friends," (Him stressed the word friend,) "I shall make sure that the deal appears unreasonable, but actually isn't."

"How generous of you," Brick kept as much sarcasm as possible out of his voice.

"I know," replied Him sweetly, "I'm kind like that." A scroll of paper and a quill magically appeared in his hand. Him stroked his goatee for a moment, before asking, "Do you like kids?"

Brick shrugged. "I can live without them, why?"

"Oh wonderful," crowed Him delightedly, and he started to scribble rapidly on the scroll. "Okay, there you go, here's the contract." He handed it over. Brick read it suspiciously – as you should with all contracts. "Just sign at the bottom."

Brick looked up. "So, can I just check this; if you tell me how to get out of Hell, I have to give you my first grandchild?"

"Yes, I would have put child, but it's a bit cliché, don't you think."

Brick ignored that comment. "And there is no obligation for me to have a child with Blossom…"

"Nope."

"Or anyone else?"

"Of course not."

"And," added Brick, wagging a finger so he could not be misunderstood, "there's no writing or anything that is going to appear as soon as I've signed, or any of that tricky crap!"

"My dear Brick," Him gasped, sounding mortally offended, "why would I waste such a dirty trick on you? If you're this concerned, you could go get a lawyer to look over it. It's not as if it would take long to find one down here."

"I was wondering when we were coming on to that joke," muttered Brick. He put the pen to paper, and then stopped abruptly. "And I don't have any children that I don't know about," he added quickly, "you know, burst condom in a one-nighter, that sort of thing?"

"I assure you," Him declared, placing his claw on his heart (or at least where he should have had a heart,) "that if you are unaware of the existence of such a child, then so am I."

Brick spent a moment translating, and then decided it was water tight. Besides, had a girl had one of his children, it would have been pretty dammed obvious, and he, or his brothers, would have heard about it soon enough. He looked at the contract once more. What did he have to lose? Sure, he it would have been nice to have a son at some point, but if he spent the rest of his life in Hell there was no way he'd have one, and Blossom probably wouldn't want anymore kids either. And if she did… well he'd just have to bring him/her up to be a catholic priest… or homosexual… or both. Which ever way, it defiantly preferable to Hell.

So he signed. Him smiled, and carefully took the contract away. "Excellent," he crowed, as he stood up and walked over to a photocopier in the corner, "You will not regret this, I promise." Brick wondered if Him was right, as the bizarre mixture of a crab and sunburnt spaghetti fought a loosing battle with the temperamental machine. Eventually, it did what it was supposed to, and Him handed Brick the original, "as a show of good faith," while he filed the copy away.

"Right," declared Brick, rolling up the scroll and stuffing it in his pocket. "I've done my bit, now you tell me how to get out of here!" Him smiled.

"With pleasure," he sneered. "There is a narrow passageway on the other side of the Forbidden Zone. On the other side is a back entrance to Heaven. Because you are still alive you should be able to cross the line, and the administrators up there are much better, and they'll realise the mistake and send you back. It's simple."

"Sounds it," admitted Brick. "But what's this "Forbidden Zone?""

"Oh it's nothing you can't handle."

"Great," Brick laughed. "I never thought I'd say this to you, but thanks." With that, the Red Ruff strolled out. Him chuckled under his breath.

"Oh Brick," he murmured, "you have no idea…"


	4. Line Out

**4. Line Out**

It didn't take Brick long to reach the near side of the "Forbidden Zone." From one of the banks up above it, he looked down on the rocky, destitute land beyond. The squawks of Hellish creatures echoed around them, in a highly intimidating manor. But, through the binoculars that he had "borrowed," he could see the passageway that would lead him to freedom; to earth, to Blossom. It was a long way away though, via some seemingly impassable terrain. The demon's residing in it were responsible for him being here in the first place, and his last encounter with them had been rather one sided.

Still, it was worth a pop. And the path to the Forbidden Zone was well sign posted at least. Brick strolled almost happily down towards it, suppressing his fear of what was ahead by dreaming off about his return to life. It was going to be great, as soon as he'd dealt with this little obstacle.

At the end of the path was a small arm-barrier with a toll both. The guard inside it was reading a newspaper. Old habits die hard, so Brick attempted to creep quietly up to it, and after a quick glance at the fees board (which informed him that it would cost him an arm and a leg to get through) he attempted to slip underneath it with out being spotted. The guard looked up.

"OI!" he demanded, "What do you think you're doing!"

Brick blinked. "I'm tying my shoe lace, what do you think I'm doing!"

"You can go to the Forbidden Zone without paying!" the guard said, as if just stating it would stop him, "I'd lose my job!"

"That doesn't bother me," replied Brick bluntly. "Anyway, I'm not going to the Forbidden Zone, I'm going to the passageway on the other side."

"Well I that case why don't you use the Highway?" asked the guard, after Brick had gone under the barrier. "It's designed for the likes of you."

"What?"

"Well you don't think they like people just wondering into the forbidden zone?" said the guard, horrified at Brick ignorance. "If the demons get too much flesh to eat they might start to get ideas. Why do think the entry fee is so high?"  
Brick flustered a bit. "I…"

"Come on, off you go," said the guard, raising the barrier. "Go get a hire car, and drive across. And don't say thank you while you're at it."

Brick decided that the best approach was to ignore this extremely bitter and angry person (not that that was a rare thing in Hell,) and was about to walk up to the road again, when the guard called after him once more.

"OI!" he cried once more, revving up a concerningly large circular saw, "What about my fee!"

Then Brick ran…

* * *

It was half an hour latter, and Freeza slid the Police Car too a halt just in front of the barrier. All great cops have ionic cars, its part of their image, reflecting in a way what they stand for. For example, a rebellious tearaway of a cop will drive an aggressive car, or a gentile, thinking cop will probably drive an old Bentley or Jag. The Police Nissan Sunny that Cell and Freeza drove speaks about the HPD in the same way.

"What are we doing here?" asked Freeza indignantly. "I thought we were going after that escaped earthling freak."

"We are," murmured Cell quietly, "but while you were driving here, I got a feeling that Pikkon was following us. So I thought if we went and dealt with this call he might go away."

"How do you know he was following us?" sniffed Freeza angrily, "you sensed his energy I suppose! How I hate that move."

"No, it wasn't that."

"Then what?"

"It was when he flew up along side us, tapped through the window, and said firmly "I'm watching you two so don't you dare try anything!"" said Cell calmly.

"What! How come…"

"You didn't notice because you were too busy waving your underwear at the person who'd cut you up."

"Ah yes," said Freeza embarrassedly. "Shall we see what this good citizen wants?"

"There are no good citizens in Hell," noted Cell, but he approached the toll both carefully, and nodded to the guard. "Good afternoon Citizen," he said politely, tipping his head, "how may we help you today."

"You can help me by going back in time and catching the bastard who jumped this barrier!" fumed the guard. "If you were a proper police force you'd have been here in the first place, catching petty crooks like him, and protecting us innocent citizens!"

Freeza glanced around at the isolated waste land. "Yes I see," he said sarcastically, "there are hundreds of innocent people here in desperate need of protection here! Come on Cell, let's go before this idiot annoys me any more!"

"Calm down," said Cell, who had infinitely more patients then his colleague (which wasn't exactly anything to write home about,) "we're very near to where Brick should be anyway." He turned back to the guard. "I'm very sorry about that sir, and I'm also sorry about your broken foot."

"My foot isn't AGHAGHAG!!!"

"Good, now would you care to give a description of the suspect?" continued Cell.

"OW!!" the guard hoping around, before rapidly deciding that he should probably do what he was told. "He had red eyes and…"

"Which way did he go?" asked Freeza immediately. The guard was so surprised by this sudden show of enthusiasm that he forgot about the pain.

"He went on to the highway to the other side of the Forbidden Zone and…"

"Right, lets go!" declared Freeza, and he and Cell sprinted back to the Nissan Sunny, which then set off at top speed (i.e., quite slowly, but making a lot of noise about it.) The guard stood there for a moment, staring.

"Wow. Maybe the stories about the police all being lazy and incompetent aren't true," he said.

* * *

Brick had lost almost all of his head start trying to hire a car. Choosing the vehicle had bee the easy bit; this being Hell, it was merely deciding whether to go with bad or worse. However, by the time the salesman had got to appendix k of the first insurance form, Brick decided that since he wasn't going to be in Hell for much longer, there wasn't much point in him obeying the rules anymore.

Thus he was now cruising along the highway – no, that's wrong; bouncing along the highway – in the red Lada 1300 he had just acquired, making sure he was well under the speed limit for fear of being attacked by one of the demonic creatures from the Forbidden Zone under the road, that appear to have been put to good use as the universe most feared traffic officers. After seeing one car too many being grabbed by a monstrous creature, Brick kept to the 30 mph speed limit, not that this was hard, as the car was barely capable of movement.

That was until he heard a wailing siren. A quick glance up to his rear view mirror confirmed that he hadn't got one, while a glance over his shoulder confirmed the presence of a Police Nissan Sunny chasing him down; with Freeza leaning over the steering wheel like a maniac and Cell hanging out the window with an energy ball in hand. Brick got as far as "Shi…" before having to take rapid evasive action. His swerve into the other carriage way cause the car already there to swerve itself, instantly causing it to roll for no apparent reason, while the car that had been just in front of him was hit by Cell's energy ball and exploded overdramatically.

Brick watched as Cell and Freeza sped through the flame and continued in pursuit. "I've always wanted to be in a car chase," he smiled to himself, and then he floored the throttle. The Lada responded very badly to this, spitting a bit of smoke and slowing down slightly. This allowed the Nissan to draw along side with surprising easy and civility. Freeza wound down his window, and Brick found himself winding down his too.

"PULL OVER!!" demanded Freeza, pointing to his blue flashing light. Brick considered it for and moment, but just then he saw a sign that declared "Exit for the Passage way on the Far side of The Forbidden Zone that you should not know about: 5 miles." That was only 5 and a half minutes away. Brick pushed himself back in to his seat and decided to go for it; which was fortunate as Freeza's death beam passed through the space his head had been occupying a moment early. Brick laughed, eye blasted Freeza on the head, and then floored it once more. This time the Lada started to edge ahead of the Nissan.

"Right," declared Freeza furiously, "I'm going to ram him!" he yanked the steering wheel over to hit Brick, but Cell grabbed it from the other side and pulled it back towards him.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" he yelled, "Goku used to do that when he was our Hero Liaison Officer and it always ended in us crashing!"

"It won't this time!" Freeza yanked the wheel back, "because I'm a better driver then that monkey!"

"Maybe, but I have no intention of risking a crash into the Forbidden Zone! I'm not demon food!"

The battle inside the police car went on for sometime, eventually giving Brick the spectacle of watching his pursuers screeching there car in between two rapidly closing lorries. The result was two extremely pale police officers, a slightly scratched Sunny and Brick holding a crucial lead. Freeza still had his eyes closed, so Brick ripped the passenger seat out of the Lada and threw it out the window.

"LOOK OUT YOU USLESS TW…" Cell screamed. Freeza opened his eyes and just about dodged the projectile (well, it was merely a glancing blow.) The next object he had to avoid was the glove compartment, and then the rear bumped (although that wasn't thrown, it just fell off.) This rapid swerving and a useless door lock caused Cell to almost fall out, but he got away with just hitting his head on the tarmac.

"Right!" declared Cell, pulling himself back in, "Take THIS!!" He fired a large blast that hit the rear of the body of the Lada. The explosion blew off the boot and rear doors, but wiped Cell's smile away by not slowing down.

Up front, Brick found his nerve again just in time to yank the car left (in Hell they drive on the left, because all the cars are right hand drive) down a slip road and towards the passageway. "I'm nearly there!" he screamed (manlily, or so he'd say later) "Come on you stupid car!!" The car though about it, revved for a moment, and then started bleaching black smoke. "BOLOCKS!" cried Brick, but it actually turned out to be a huge slice of luck. For the road ahead turned form tarmac to gravel, a surface change that Brick could see, but Freeza couldn't.

* * *

The two formed Super villains scrambled out of the venerable, yet upturned Nissan Sunny. Freeza kicked it hard.

"Dam it! I had to choose that moment to perform my Marcus Gronholm impression!"

"Shut up!" demanded Cell, "he can't have got far! Let's get him!"

"What's the point," moaned Freeza. "There are hundreds of passage ways down here, and unless he's run down the one that leads to the back route to heaven, none of them are a dead end."

"Why's the one to Heaven a dead end?" asked Cell.

"Oh, well technically it isn't," admitted the former emperor, "I tried to use it to escape once though, and they found me within ten seconds and threw me out."

"Out?"

"Yes, back into Hell!" snapped Freeza, annoyed at being interrupted. "I accidentally landed in the Forbidden Zone and it took me two weeks to escape those demons. Well I think it was an accident. But trust me, if they find Brick they'll immediately…"

"Throw him back to earth," interrupted Cell, "because he's still alive." There was a pause. "Where is that passageway?" asked Cell.

* * *

Brick had abandoned the Lada a bit further up the road and was now running for it. Scrambling over rocks, stones, and gravely mounds, Brick saw the line, looming in the distance. It was quite simple; a red line on the ground over which on the other side was beautiful fine grass and soft lush flowers, leading up to a door in an immeasurably huge rock face at the end. His way out…

There was no time to rest however; Brick was still a couple of metres away and he could hear the shouts of Cell and Freeza approaching fast. Brick made one last gigantean effort, and hurled himself over the line. The soft grass soothed his landing, and instantly, he felt invigorated enough to throw himself back to his feet and watch his two pursuers slide to a halt just short of the line.

"Dam!" wailed Cell, thumping his fist on the ground. Brick took this as a good sign.

"OH YES!" he declared, jumping up and down with joy. "I win, you lose, go me, go me!" Then he blew a raspberry, rather pushing his luck in the process. "I'm up in heaven and you can't get me, naa nana naa naaa! You two can't get me while I'm this side of the line."

"QUICK!" declared Freeza, "Grab him and drag him back across the line!"

"Wait, you can't!" protested Brick as Cell and Freeza approached, but he was dimly aware that there weren't any obvious candidates for stopping them. Brick tried to dig in as they grabbed him, but he could last for very long. However, he did cause Cell and Freeza to pull on him too hard, resulting in the red Ruff firing back into Hell like a cork from a Champaign bottle. In fact, he flew so far that he smashed into a chain link fence about one hundred yards away that concerningly turned out to be the only thing separating this little patch of Hell from the Forbidden Zone. Brick landed on the floor on the correct side of where the fence had been. Now however, due to the traditionally bad building techniques in Hell, there was just a gap.

Cell and Freeza flew over towards where Brick had landed, only to see a huge demon, cautiously poking its way through the hole. It looked like a Tyrannosaurs Rex that had been drawn by a cartoonist that wanted to make the creature look more threatening. Freeza stopped dead, and a moment later, so did Cell. "Why did you stop?" he asked.

"I tangled with that one last time," muttered Freeza. Then he looked around. "I'm going this way!" he said decisively, and then he sprinted off. Cell sighed. "Surely you're not scared of a mere demon!" he declared, and he strode up to it casually.

The Demon was looking curiously at Brick, who had picked himself up. He looked up at the huge dribbling creature towering over him. "Oh no," he almost whispered, "I'm not ending up demon food!" He flew upwards (old school style,) and smacked the Demon hard under the chin. The result was rather depressing. The demon Stared at him for a moment, apparently unaffected, and almost lazily head butted him downwards. Brick hit the ground with a thud. Cell shook his head sadly.

"Were you really that much of a threat in your own series?" he asked patronisingly. "Watch this!" and with that he jumped up and planted an identical punch to Brick's on the monster. He smiled, hoping to show off his massively greater strength.

Moments latter Cell was on the floor next to Brick, badly battered. "Tell me," murmured Brick mockingly, "where you really that much of a threat in your own series?"

"Oh shut up…AGAHA!" replied Cell, the wail signifying the point where the demon grabbed them both in a short stubby hand, and brought them up to its mouth. However before it could eat, Freeza returned.

"Look what I've found!" he declared smugly. Cell and Brick where unable to respond, due to them being slowly crushed, so Freeza continued regardless. "It's a sign that explains the nature of the Demon your fighting, you know, like those signs they put in the countryside that explain about the local type of birds. Apparently, this Demon feeds off negative emotions like hate and anger to make it's self stronger, so that unless you have a completely pure "attack," it's impossible to harm it!"

"Fascinating," Cell squeaked, forcing the words out of his mouth despite an extreme lack of air in his lungs. "Now why don't you stop standing there and help us!"

"Humm," mocked Freeza, "What's it worth?"

"I'll get you a new tooth brush!" wailed Cell.

"A clean one?" asked Freeza suspiciously. Cell could merely nod rapidly. "Very well," Freeza said smugly, and he raised a finger into the air, over which a huge red and black energy ball generated. "Eat Death Ball!" he cried, and threw it at the monster. It was a good shot, and due to its design, the monster was ill equipped for dodging. So it was hit square in the chest by the death ball, and was obscured in the resulting massive explosion. It also dropped Brick and Cell, both of who were able to fly a safe distance away, although Brick made sure he was out of arms reach of Cell. The two of them watched the smoke clear with a degree of trepidation. Freeza was slightly more confident.

"No problem," he declared happily. "If you need any more help, you know who to call."

"Oh really?" said Cell. The three of them watched in horror as the Demon remerged from the dust ball undamaged, and significantly bigger. Brick stared at it, and then turned to Freeza.

"What made you think that a blast called a "Death Ball" would destroy a demon that absorbs negative energy!" he shouted.

"Hey, it saved your worthless life!" complained Freeza, but there wasn't much more time for banter, because the Demon was lumbering towards them.

The next few moments where rather confusing. Many punches were thrown in a desperate struggle for survival, and the Demon swung a few of its own while roaring a lot. Once the skirmish was done, Freeza and Cell where both being jumped upon continuously by the huge creature, while Brick had been pounded into a near by rock face. The Red Ruff pulled himself out, and surveyed the scene. His two companions/pursuers appeared to be in massive trouble, and Brick knew that he really ort to help them. Freeza had just saved his life, and besides, it was the heroic thing to do.

But on the other hand, Brick was mostly only heroic when Blossom was watching, the two of them deserved it and his route of escape, back to earth… to Blossom, was now unguarded. Hence with a cry of "So long Suckers!" Brick charged for the line, and a moment latter, despite the profanities being hurled at him by the two helpless police men, he was across the line.

He didn't get much further; about as far a Pikkon actually. "Going some where?" he asked smugly. Brick hesitated.

"Out?" he suggested, and then tried to sprint past him. Pikkon stuck out a hand without even looking and caught Brick on the shoulder.

"I don't think so," he said flatly. "I think you're going to help Cell and Freeza defeat a huge demonic creature."

"Why can't you?" asked Brick.

"Because I don't want to cross the line," replied Pikkon pointing to his halo, "not unless I have to."

"I seeeeeeeeeeeeee!" wailed Brick as he was hurled into back into Hell yet again. He thudded to the ground short of the Demon that was still showing off its tap dancing skills on the two police officers. "Great," muttered Brick, "what the hell am I supposed to do? Positive energy my foot, I'm a Super Villain for flips sake!" He drummed his fingers on the ground for a bit, wondering what to do next. It was so frustrating; he was so close to freedom, and yet there appeared to be little chance of him making it. Not unless he could destroy the creature in front of him. Was he destined to be separate from Blossom for ever?

Blossom; just thinking of her made him feel warm inside. Brick had had many good and many bad times, but she'd been the one person other then his brothers guaranteed to make him happy on sight. She had given a point to his life, something to look forward to other then just the next boring petty crime. But sitting there for a moment, he realised that he missed his brothers just as much. Sure, things hadn't always been smooth, but despite there clashing personalities they'd managed to hang together through thick and thin. The three of them had turned out pretty well considering there parents, but Boomer and Butch had finished growing up and lived on without him, just like Blossom had. Brick didn't want to accept that. He should still be there with them, and he'd do anything to get that.

Suddenly reality phased back in, and Brick glanced at his hand. There was some energy glowing around it, but unexpectedly, it was white rather then red. Brick blinked for a moment, and then some thing clicked. "Ha ha!" he jumped back to his feet; "It's not just Blossom that had the good ideas!"

Focusing hard, Brick focused ever ounce of his energy on the little love he had in his heart; the love for his brothers, and for Blossom. Sure enough, the energy in his hand started building up until its light was almost dazzling. Brick glanced at the Demon, who was now using Cell to clean the gaps in its toes, and extending his hand gently forwards, he fired the blast.

It surged into the demons stomach with a surprisingly unimpressive impact compared to Freeza's Death Ball. But this time, the Demon winced. Then it roared in pain, and started to shrink away. Brick was delighted. "IT'S WORKING!!" he shouted to no one in particular, as the monster started to dilapidate. "Corny ending, here we come! Boy, I hate Corny endings…"

The blast's colour immediately changed back from white to red, and the demon roared aggressively. Brick jumped. "Oh Shit, I mean I LOVE corny endings!" He wasn't fooling anyone however, least of all the laws of demon physics, and moments latter his blast was rebounded back into him. Brick barrelled away and slide to a stop inches away from the Heaven/Hell dividing line. "BOLOCKS!" he shouted.

"Now that's not the spirit," said the friendliest voice he'd heard in years. "You were so close too, I'm impressed. Ah well… Kamehameha!"

Brick looked up in time to watch the Demon being vaporised with depressing easy by an energy wave. He looked round to see Goku standing on the other side of the line, along with Pikkon, his hands out stretched. Goku turned to look at the startled Puff. "What?" he said, "haven't you ever seen Dragonball Z? I always turn up just in time to win. Once enough people have been beaten up to show how overwhelmingly powerful the villain is first of course."

"But, aren't you still alive?" asked Brick. "What are you doing here?"

"Well I picked up on the fact that Cell and Freeza had crossed the line into Heaven using my energy sensing ability, so I teleported here to make sure they weren't up to something…"

"Despite the fact I had it all in hand," muttered Pikkon.

"… but it turned out that they were just doing there jobs for once," Goku finished. Then he laughed. "Hi guys!"

"I see…" Brick began, but then something clicked just in time for him to jump forwards across the line. Cell and Freeza promptly landed in a heap where he had just been.

"Dam it!" shouted Cell, how was badly bruised but undaunted. "If you'd kept your mouth shut Goku we would have got him."

"Gee sorry," Goku replied, scratching the back of his head, "but you two could be a bit more gracious since I just saved your lives."

"WE'RE BOTH DEAD ALREADY!" screamed Freeza.

"Oh yes," laughed Goku. Cell sighed.

"Enough about that," he demanded, "let us cross the line so we can arrest Brick."

"What for?" asked Pikkon, but he had grabbed the Ruff's shoulder to make sure he couldn't run, much to Bricks frustration.

"Assaulting a police officer, Grand theft auto, entering _and_ exiting the Forbidden Zone without paying and conspiracy to escape from Hell!"

"You can't prove any of that!" retorted Brick.

"That's for a court to decide," Cell sniffed. "Come on Goku, let us have him."

"I don't know…"

"Oh don't ruin our fun," sulked Freeza, "you always do that! Stop playing football inside the police station, stop telling everyone that calls for help that this isn't the police station but is a Chinese restaurant, stop killing my friend Krillin…"

"As much as I hate to admit it," Pikkon said firmly, "I have a feeling that there right Goku. This punk's no good, he belongs down here."

Goku was thinking. Eventually he turned to Brick. "You're quiet strong right?" he asked. "I know Blossom's quite strong anyway, and you're a bit like her."

Brick hesitated. "Yes, I'm fairly strong." He was keen not to over sell the fact, for even in his short life he'd heard stories about Goku. He'd heard even more since he'd been dead. Goku nodded.

"Okay then, I'll do a deal. If you can survive for one minute in a fight against me I'll let you go. Okay?" Brick blinked.

"I think I can manage that," he replied confidently.

"Great!" Goku said excitedly. "It's always fun to fight someone new!" Brick nodded while making a note to file Goku under I for insane.

"I've got the stop watch," said Cell. "On my mark… GO!"

Brick had fought many Super Heroes – and some rival Super Villains – during his life. Other then the Puff's – who he'd taken on countless times – his various roles in the criminal community had lead him into conflict with the Justice League, X-men and Earthworm Jim among others as he'd grown up. He'd even taken Superman one-on-one once, and held his own (right up until the point he'd been killed for the second time of course.) However, even considering his brief encounter with Cell and Freeza, he'd never seen anyone move as fast as Goku had towards him. Superman had been almost as quick, but at Seventeen Brick had been at the peak of his form – it had been along time since he'd done any sort of training.

Brick considered all these factors and decided very quickly – just before Goku reached him in fact – that there was no possible way of him winning this fight. So when the first punch was landed, he went straight down, collapsing to the ground in a heap, eyes closed. Goku stopped as Cell clicked the watch. "One second," he muttered.

"Hey, that was a bit of a disappointment," said Goku, as he stood calmly over Brick. "You sisters-in-law must do a lot more training then you do."

"Huh, forget him Goku," said Pikkon as walked over to stand along side, "let's get him in to Hell where he belongs."

However, Pikkon had stood in the wrong place. He and Goku where both in range of a well placed kick to the crotch. So, using both feet, the almost completely uninjured Brick duly delivered.

* * *

In Hell, Cell and Freeza stood watching Goku and Pikkon squatted on the floor in agony – not even the strongest people can endure a hit to such a sensitive area. Goku forced open an eye, and forced some words out of his mouth.

"What… are … you two… doing?... Get after… him!"

"I'm sorry Goku," said Cell smugly, "but we're not allowed to cross the line."

"Besides," Freeza laughed, withdrawing a camera, "I wouldn't miss this for the world!"

* * *

As predicted, Heaven had been just the other side of the door. Brick looked around nervously, wondering what he should be doing. The aura of the place was overwhelming; it made Brick feel as though he wasn't even worthy of existence, which surprised him since he usually had massive self confidence. So he wandered around in a daze for a bit trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, least something unpleasant happened.

"Hello Brick," said a voice. Brick jumped and turned round. A man was standing beside him.

"He-lo!" he squeaked nervously, "who are you?"

The man laughed. "I think you know," he said.

"Yes… I was afraid of that," Brick said. The man shrugged.

"Why?"

"I…" Brick started, but he couldn't think of anything else to say, so he stood there like a lemon for a bit. The man waited for an indecently long time, before he reached forward, and pulled something that was hanging out of Brick's pocket. It was the contract he'd made with Him. Brick gulped, as the man unfurled the parchment, and read it. But rather then receiving the wrath of God as anticipated, the man simply re furled it and handed it back to him.

"It's not too late," he said calmly. "See you latter." Brick blinked.

"Wait, I…"

But it was too late, because he was falling again.

* * *

Smashing back down on to the pavement, Brick was back on his feet in a flash. He looked left and right agitatedly, waiting for the next disaster that was about to befall him. But none did. Brick stretched, and tried to orientate himself. He was on earth again. After all these years… and nothing was about to force him off it.

He could feel the wind in his hair, and the smell of malfunctioning combustion engines in his lungs. Brick stamped his feet on the ground, and laughed. It was all real! He was back.

Near by, a newspaper salesman, standing like Brick in the middle of the high street, was watching him. "You alright mate?" he asked confusedly. Brick turned to look at him.

"I'm fine!" he declared, as if this was a rare occurrence. He withdrew his wallet. "Give me a newspaper!"

"Okay…" replied the salesman concernedly. Brick took it from him and handed over some cash, before looking at the only thing he wanted to know: the date. When he saw it, he nearly dropped the paper in surprise.

"Four years!" he stuttered. "I've been in Hell for four years!" He scratched the top of his head. "What could have happened in four years?"

"Oi is this some sort of joke!" demanded the salesman. Brick turned around.

"Huh?"

"This money is at least Twenty years out of date!" he raged, "What are you trying to pull here!" Brick looked at him, and then punched him in the face.

"Humm, I don't know," he laughed, "your dead for twenty years, and everyone forgets who you are!" Laughing heartedly to himself, the red ruff flew off. It was good to finally be back.

* * *

Okay, that's in folks. To those of you thinking "What the hell, you've only just started how can that be it," it's time for this confession.

This story is part of the series of stories I have been writing, a series which all my stories are part of. I didn't advertise it as such because this one was slightly different (I'm not quite so dependant on DBZ normally) and I thought it would work quite well as a stand alone story.

Anyway, I will shortly be starting another sequel, which will detail what happens to Brick now he's back on earth. So I hope to see some of you there.

Thanks to Shadowlyger, Sith-knight-Galen and Teh Red Mage for your reviews, it really makes the effort worth while. And I'd also like to thank mg34 (my brother) for his characterisation of Cell and Freeza which I have shamelessly stolen. Thanks for reading, and if you have any suggestions/advice/criticism, feel free to voice it.


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